Complaining, with 0 actions

 If you want to get every piece of your energy shattered, have a conversation with a chronic complainer! Here I am not talking about the “normal” pessimistic’s, but about the persons that complain about absolutely everything without ever taking any actions to make things better.

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We all have our moments when we are feeling blue, and usually, we count on our closed ones to cheer us up with positive thinking and happy energies, but there are these other types of people who will never get to a different state of mind than the “complaining” one.

In the team gathering that we had last evening, one of the colleagues could only see the disasters that are in our country right now. Everything is ugly here, all of the people are mean, the city has 0 green spaces, the air is polluted, the government is stealing from us etc etc etc. NOTHING, absolutely nothing was good or nice about the place we are living. Naturally, I asked him why on earth isn’t he moving if the grass is so green and beautiful on the other side? The answer: here he has all of his friends and he doesn’t want to change the city! He is just stuck in negative statistics and paranoid visions of the future, constantly complaining but not even thinking about making a change.

In the small and narrow world of the chronic complainers that will never make any changes, not because they can’t but because they won’t, there isn’t any room for any positive thinking. There is also no way of changing their way of thinking or of making them take any sorts of actions. For most of us, when something is going wrong for a long period of time, we start making changes, in order to feel happier, why stay in a place that is giving you anxiety if you can board a plane and leave?

If you are unfortunate enough to have to listen to these people over and over again, the best solution is to avoid them if possible, or at least not get into an argument about it. There is no way that you could change their mind, but you can lose all your energy with trying.

If those people take 0 actions when it comes to things that are making them unhappy, you have to take some actions in order not to let them suck the energy that you have. So cut those people loose! Don’t try to save them ’cause you have no chance, save yourself and put a little bit, or a little bit MORE, space between them and you.

 

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When your job no longer fits you

An adult life is defined by the fact that you need to be independent and, for those of us who weren’t born rich, to have a job. If at the beginning of the career you only wish someone will employ you and give you some money at the end of the month after a few years you start looking for a job that is not making you cry every morning. So when is the time to leave the comfort zone and make a change?

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For over 5 weeks I have been struggling with frustration due to some of the corporate shit that made me end up crying after getting home. At first, it was the promotion of a colleague just because he was “with the company for so many years”, then it was the sending him to the client side to show off one of the projects that I have worked on, I came up the idea and I fought for the tool to be brought and my colleague got promoted and sent to present it as if it was a “joined” effort.

After that episode that got me angry as f*ck, the second one came around. In May I had a renegotiation made on the contract and I was promised an organizer role in the team that was planned to be created. After 3 months, the team was finally created, but I wasn’t given the role because I needed to “help up my colleague with his promotion”. This was the final drop in the glass that was more than full for a while now. So I did what any other normal person would have, I look for a new job!

The opportunity presented itself really fast, after 2 weeks I had an amazing new offer, a leading position, and an amazing salary! But yet I felt like hell, I started crying and I didn’t want to leave the comfort zone of my current job, although I was angry all the time. Luckily I had my boyfriend and my girls to “kick my butt” and force me to sign my resignation letter. And so I accepted the offer and I am now waiting for the next chapter in my professional life to begin.

So when is the time to make a change? Well, the answer is whenever your current employer lets you down, mistreats you or when your job is no longer making you happy. Clearly, I am not advising any of you to leave before having a different offer, although if your current employer abuses you in any way, that is the only way to go. Most of us are stuck with jobs we don’t like, where we are not appreciated for our work or where others take advantage of us, but that is only because we chose to stay!

Adult life is also about taking risks and responsibility for our actions! We no longer can blame the others for the unfortunate events, especially from work. It is hard to leave the comfort and security of a job that you got accustomed to, but you need to constantly make a check on whether this is the right path for you. Are you making constant progress? Are you learning new things? Do you feel that your work is valued? Do you get paid enough for your work? If the answer to any of these questions is no, then you need to make a change!

YES, it is scary! YES, it is OK to be reticent towards change! YES, you are allowed to cry! YES, you are allowed to be selfish! YES, you are entitled to ask for what is yours! What you are not allowed to do, is to let yourself be guilt trapped by leaving!!! The manager will want you to stay, especially if you were doing a good job and you were a reliable person. He/she will use every weapon they have to force you to stay, will offer you a lot of “best deals” and most likely will make you feel bad for leaving. I was told that it was unprofessional of me to leave the company when they were counting on me, the fact that they didn’t keep their promises and that they presented my work as someone else’s was OK from their point of view.

When it comes to the professional life you always need to take the decisions cold hearted. In business is all about what is good for you! Also if you are selling your time to others, make sure you are making the best deal for you, no one will pay you to build up your dream so you need to stay focused on what is making you happy and what is building your career. Work to build-up your dream, not to make other people happy and wealthy.

Book review: After You by Jojo Moyes

After reading the first book from the series, Me Before You, in 2 days I decided to take a risk and also give the second one chance. I am not a big fan of sequels, but I wanted to see what Lou did after she lost Will. The article will contain spoilers!

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The story is 18 months after the events from Switzerland and is now presenting a different Luisa Clark. One that is now leaving in London in an apartment that she bought from the money left by Will Traynor and is working as a waitress in an airport bar.

Although she traveled to Paris, just as she was instructed in the last letter from Will, she still hasn’t found closure on the whole affair. She is attending a support group for people who suffered great losses, but she is still hiding in the comfort zone of an unfurnished apartment and a lousy job.

Her life is once again turned upside down when she gets distracted by someone on her roof terrace and falls from the building, severely injuring herself. But this is how she meets “Ambulance” Sam, the gorgeous paramedic for whom she will develop feelings for later on.

Another key character will be the girl that scared her on the roof, Will’s daughter Lily! A child born after a college adventure, that her gold digger mother never tells Will about. Lou soon finds out that a 15year old teenager can come will a lot of behavior issues and can both a pain and a blessing. Dealing with smoking and substances abuse, running from home and blackmail, Lily is one troubled teenager that is in desperate need for someone to save her. Whether her family from her father side will accept her or not or if Louisa will manage to bring her on the right path, you will have to see for yourself.

I will not give you the end of the book since I am hoping I got your full attention by now, but what I will tell you is that you cannot guess how the adventure of Lou will end this time. So make some time to read and enjoy!

Moyes book, After You, is one related to the journey a person who lost her purpose in life has to make in order to break free from the past. From therapy to risks, from loneliness to happiness, but most important from fear to love. Although it wasn’t as good as the first part, After You still comes with yet another life lesson that we all have to prepare ourselves for: losing a loved one. The healing process is a long one and it is dependent on each individual, no standard procedure can be applied and so will Louisa Clark find out.

Let’s Talk About Ex’s Baby, Let’s Talk About You and Me

If you are over 16 and have a boyfriend over 16 (preferably), then most likely you both have some skeletons in your closet a.k.a exes. But what is it about our past that keeps us so wired to it? And why do we see it as such a threat to the future?

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It is hard to imagine your loved one with somebody else, to know that all the words and kisses that you are receiving now, were offered to someone other than yourself with the same intensity. We all want our story to be epic and the idea that this had already happened with someone from the past is not exactly thrilling. But this is not what keeps most of us up at night, but the possibility of the feelings that might still be there, waiting for them to be rebirthed.

To better understand the phenomenon, you must first think about your ex. Although you are no longer in love with him/her, there is some sort of feeling left there, clearly, there were at least a couple of good things that happened between you two, intimacy, friendship etc. Now they are with someone else and odds are that you are not finding that new person your best friend. Even in this situation, if you are really over them and you are committed to your current partner, then you have no intentions of going back. So the real question is whether you are both really in this together 100%.

Sometimes, unintentionally we compare ourselves with our exes new girlfriends just as we compare ourselves with the ex of our current partner. But what is actually making us worry?

If for our past boyfriends/girlfriends, we like to think we were the best thing that ever happened to them and selfishly we wouldn’t want to be forgotten. With our current partners, the situation is very different. We want to know that there are no feelings left between them and the partners from their past. We want to be sure we are the upgrade and be 100% sure they are not even thinking about going back to them. Unfortunately, there is no guarantee for any of these but the trust we should have in our SO.

Jealousy is a normal and human feeling as long as it is kept in boundaries and it is not developing into an obsession. In the end, the “problem” that we have with the exes is in between the partners. If there are doubts between the two,  then it will be enough space for an external person to enter, new or old.

Whenever you are in doubt, remember that they are not in the present for a reason and that the best person for you and your loved one is clearly the one from the current day. Let go of the fears, competition, and jealousy. Learn to enjoy the current moment, the rest is history!

 

Fear

That awful feeling that you get when you are uncertain about things in your life! Being a control freak, it is hard for me to adjust to changes and every life event that forces me to become “Agile” is a factor of stress, caused by fear.

After a few unfortunate events at work, I decided that I will no longer put up with bad management and I will seek a new job. After 1 year and 8 months, I decided that it is time to see what is out there, so I started asking around and going to interviews. Last week I received an amazing offer, they gave me way more money, a leadership position, even accepted to give me a laptop instead of a PC, how most of their employees have. So naturally you would think that I was thrilled with the news, but I wasn’t. Even worst, I am terrified by the idea of starting over in a new place, what if the company is not good enough? What if I will not fit? What if I fail as a leader? etc…

All of this questions are generated by a single thing: FEAR! Although fear is a natural and a very good defense mechanism, sometimes it doesn’t run in our favor. So what triggers fear?

Fear is an animal instinct that it’s found in all living creatures, it triggers the fight or flight mode and it usually “saves” us from death. Or so our brain thinks! While we are now far from having out life threatened, we are still experiencing the same amount of fear when we are facing major or minor changes in our habits, like speaking in front of a crowd or when seeing a spider, only to name two.

Clearly, my life is not endangered by changing a job, so what makes me so resisting to change? There are a couple of factors that are making me so nostalgic when it comes to leaving a place where I spent 9 hours per day for more than a year and a half, like my nice colleagues, the friendly environment, the comfort of knowing exactly what and how to do your job, the stability of a contract. Unfortunately, when it comes to frustration if the level has reached a certain point, there is no going back.

Managing your fear can only be accomplished by challenging yourself! There is no reason to let fear rule over your decisions, so whenever it appears, don’t let it get the best of you!

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The “Let’s stay friends!” myth

Being close friends with an ex is somehow a myth to me and I’ve been trying to find out for a while if there is such thing as true friendship after a failed relationship. So let’s bring in the 2 sides: the rejected one and the rejecting one to find out what is in for the two of them and if there is, in fact, honest and open when they say there is nothing more to this.

 

 

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Clearly at least one of the partners entered the relation hoping there will be something different to it, maybe the other person will turn out to be their SO, or they just wanted sex with no obligations, maybe even wanted nothing to begin with. At this particular point, there were two sides, one partner wanted more and the other not so much. After a few failed attempts they decide they will split up, but still remain friends. Here is the magnificent trap that gets more and more people, the illusion that you get to benefit from this failed partnership.

Let’s bring into the stage our first “champion” the rejected one! For this particular person, the whole episode is both painful and shameful. You get to find someone that you like, that seems to like you back since you were in a form of relationship, but now he is not into you anymore. They desire something else, more particularly someone else. Anyone who has suffered from rejection knows the magnitude of this feeling and is familiar with that voice that tells you that “you were not enough”. Even if we can understand and relate to the feeling of not being compatible with someone else, we also feel mistreated and hurt. We are now in a state of vulnerability where we would want to force the other person to change his/her mind. So we take the deal, we agree to be just friends, knowing that we would get a part of the relationship, but also secretly hoping that maybe they will come back around.

So here we are, rejected and hurt, yet friends with the one that did this to us. We are confining into the one that turned us down, but we somehow feel that we made an awesome deal. We can now call them to just talk, we can go to lunch or dinner with them, we haven’t completely lost our partner and we are not yet alone. But what did we really gain? Is this a true friendship or is just ghosting and lingering around our punisher?

Now, let’s bring “champion” number two, the rejecting one! We entered into a new relationship thinking this might be a fit person for us. After a few dates, or even after a few years of relationship, we realize that we don’t actually want to be with this one. We want something else, we dream about someone else, or we just want the space. Yet we feel bad for leading them on, we are not a bad person, we just want something else. One of you propose the deal of being just friends and now that you get to think about it, is not a bad idea, you like spending time with them, just not in a romantic way. So here we are, discussing your day to day problems with someone that knows you and clearly has your best interest at heart.

There we are again, happy that we haven’t lost a friend but also free of commitment for that other person, who surely has moved on, since they are ok with you seeing and talking about other people. You have now put your past together for aside and you are now all happy. But is the other person really over it? And are you fully committed to the new person from your life? Or are you getting a full relationship from 2 sides?

Love is a powerful feeling! You cannot love someone just a little, you can only like them a little. The same goes for rejection especially when it is related to love. Although it seems that you can leave your partner because of all the small things he/she is doing, you are not breaking up because of the toilet seat that was left up, you are just not compatible anymore, you both want something else. Keeping an only boyfriend or girlfriend as a friend is just an excuse for you to feel safe, you can always come back to this side of your relationship, unfortunately, this side carries with it the guilt of breaking up with someone or the shame of not being enough for the other person. Also having this person around can make it harder for a new potential partner to come around since he or she would have to compete for your friendship.

Indeed there is one particular scenario where 2 exes can be friends. When there were no feelings involved! If their “relationship” was purely sexual with 0 feelings involved they will get along perfectly and in a healthy manner was friends, because actually, they were never more than that.

As for the rest of us, the ones that had some sort of feelings for our ex-partner, the best way to deal with this is to let them go. Pass on the offer of being just friends and burry the relationship. Accepting to be just friends with a loved one is as if your mom would tell you that your cat has died, but you can still keep it if you want. Let the exes be exactly where they belong, in your past!

Making It On Your Own vs Getting Help

These days I got into an argument regarding the way people succeed in life, the ones that start from scratch and work their way up versus the ones that get the help from their families. Clearly, there are examples to prove both theories right, but can we really make it in life when ALWAYS counting on others to save the day?

IMG_4555To give more details on the situation, we have an 18-year-old girl who chooses not to get help from her cousins during college and goes across the country to a different city, although her parents might not have enough money to sustain her during her studies. Furthermore, she will go with the boyfriend her family disapproves. He was married and has a kid from the past relationship, so in their eyes, he is unworthy of their daughter and should be separated. So she did what many of us would have to break free from the chains, she went to live in a new city and start a new life.

In most of the academic cities, there are plenty of part time jobs that she could get in order to pay her bills, her boyfriend can also get a job and they can figure things out on their own. Being 18 should mean that she is ready to make her own mistakes and take her decisions without the “help” of the family. Clearly, this is not what her cousins believe. They wanted her in the same city as they are, to help her get through college, help her get a job, maybe even give her a place to stay. At what cost? Well, at the cost of freedom! They would get to have a word in everything she does and everyone she sees.

So here comes the argument, do you take matters into your own hand and you make it on your own, or do you take the help and play by someone else rules?

Personally, I had my fair share of help from my family and I would be a hypocrite to say that I did everything on my own, but the help was received from my parents, the people that wanted to help me unconditionally. The one favour that I took and one that I regretted ever since was my first real job. Starting 2011 I was working as a freelancer and in December 2012, my sister’s boyfriend recommended me and got me a job in the company he was working. It was the biggest mistake ever, I was stuck 2 years on a project where I was single in the “Romanian” side, I wasn’t learning anything new and I was really bad at it. Leaving the company meant receiving less money and since I was working to sustain myself I couldn’t afford it and so I stayed, and begged to be moved to a different project. Two and a half years later I started to do what I liked and started to be very good at it. After one year and a half, I left the company and the city and moved where I am right now.

In the years that I stayed, I always felt like a fraud, my sister’s boyfriend always reminded me of the help he gave me and used to trash my image when we were in public with my colleagues. He always said that I am not smart enough, that my work isn’t really needed, that I am not good at what I am doing and so on. It was a horrible period and part of the reason I stayed in the company was that I was afraid of not being able to get a job on my own. In the end, I did it, I am good at what I am doing, I still have projects as a freelancer and I constantly receive offers from all around the world.

Although it might be more comfortable to receive all the help you can get, there are moments in life when you need to make it on your own. Independence is a skill that every adult needs to have and master and no amount of help will ever give you the satisfaction of having it accomplished on your own. As for the “free” help, be prepared to pay the ultimate price for it because there is no such thing as “unconditional” help from strangers.