Being Responsible vs Living The Moment?

Responsible versus reckless, what is the best path? Should you hold the world on your shoulders or be as innocent as a kid, playing until the end of life. If there is anything that I envied in others is their ability to live from one day to another, to be able to stay calm when they have no idea what they will do tomorrow, if they would still have something to work or to eat. Me, I am the crazy responsible person, Monica of the gang, the one that has to know where she stands, where the next paycheck is coming from and never have any bills pending.

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If you are alike, responsible and a perfectionist in all you do, you might wonder how the other side lives like that. But I am here to tell you about a paradox in psychology: most people feel good when doing something that is the opposite of their character. So for a control freak, losing control is their biggest fear and the biggest relief.

From a personal example, I am always responsible for paying the bills and the rent, but when it comes to shopping, I completely lose control and love that feeling. Never actually using a credit card or borrowed money, but always spending all I gain, making it impossible to save. To me getting that plane ticket, purse, jewelry or pair of shoes is what brings me an immediate rush of adrenaline.

As years go by, I keep on expecting to become either completely irresponsible or an adult that is able to keep her finances in place and afford her own house, but neither of these is happening, I keep on going to the extremes and dreaming how it would be if I took I leap of faith and quit my job to travel full time or to invest all my time in writing or in painting.

A new generation of indecisive people, that is what I’ve been told, but I think we really are a generation of dreamers held back by fears and past experiences. If you ask me, I would say the best way to live your life is enjoying the present day and I completely admire those who do it at full speed. Never heard of someone who is remembered by the fact that he always paid his or her duties on time, but more about those who took the risk and followed their hart.  My relief is traveling and shopping, what is yours?

Reasons #not To Cheat

A few days ago I saw that one of the visitors from my blog ended up here after searching an answer to the question “reasons not to cheat”.  So I thought I should address this here and now, my top 7 reasons never to cheat, even when it looks like the best answer.

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  • If you found yourself asking this question then you are half-lost, but not completely

When in doubt give it a few days to rest, see if you still feel the same urge to do this, or if were you just upset. We all have that moment when we would love to turn back time and have some fun, but again those days were not that great either if you think about the lonely nights. Don’t rush into something that you will regret later.

  • Cheating never solved the initial problem, it’s like only smelling a pizza when you are starving

If you feel that you are no longer happy with your current partner and you feel there is no turning back, then it’s time to call it quits. Cheating will not make things work between the two of you, will not bring back the fire, but will only make you even more confused. Take a break and figure out if there is still something that you can save from your current partnership, or if it’s time to pack the bags.

  • You will have to live with the guilt and since you are looking for reasons not to do this, means you already feel guilty

You might think it will be easy to go back to your house and bed after laying in a different one, but you will be surprised at the amount of guilt that can be build from that.

  • You will hurt the person you are currently with and the damage might be permanent

Sooner or later the truth will come out, you will make a mistake and your partner will find out. From that moment you will know that your relationship is doomed. Even if he or she will say that they forgive you, they will never do it. Put yourself in their shoes, how would you feel?

  • Relationships are built on respect and communication so don’t jeopardize those

In time the butterflies that you felt in the first years will die and will leave only the respect and friendship. The only way you can grow these 2 aspects is by communicating with your significant other and when times are bad that is what you should do, talk about the problems.

  • It might look like love what you feel for the new guy or girl but it might be just lust

After a while, in relation, you might want to feel the butterflies again and some innocent flirting could possibly take you there. You could get the impression that you are madly in love and that is your *new soulmate, but 99% of the time, what you are feeling is lust, so don’t throw away what you have for something that most likely will not last.

  • There are no such things as happily ever after, you need to create that yourself but that means that you cannot run into the hands of someone new when you are feeling blue

All fairy tales end when the two get together, none tells you what happens after 10 years, or after 20 years, 2 kids and financial problems. The honeymoon phase only lasts a few years, after that there will be times when you would want to run away to Paris and hide there, but before you pack your bags see if you can bring someone else with you.

From time to time we all feel lost and it is them when we start looking for some new purpose. We want to feel the chills and some adrenaline in our veins, and let’s face it, there is no bigger rush than lust, but that feeling won’t last, you will be just like a junky increasing the dosage to feel the same thrill. Have a change of scenery with your current partner and see if there is still something left to save. Go on vacation and asses if you are still in love, if not walk away! You have the right to be happy and if this person isn’t making you happy, then you should find a new one, but only after letting this one go.

About Love and Other Vices

In the era of fast communication and social media, love seems to have lost ground in the face of vanity and appearances. Somehow it becomes socially acceptable to trade happiness for the perfect shot, but at what cost?

John Milton: Vanity, definitely my favorite sin. –  The Devil’s Advocate

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Looking for love is hard, always has been, at least for most of us. I know there are a special few that were lucky enough to find the love of their life from the first shot, but for the majority of us, finding that special someone meant lots of heartaches. Unfortunately, the modern inventions aren’t working in our favor and from my perspective is only putting more pressure on us.

The idea of that power couple that always looks flawless in pictures with the matching outfit is hunting most of us. Clearly, we all want to be Brad and Angelina on the red carpet, but can we all be “picture-perfect couple”? Furthermore, we all saw what happened to Brangelina, so looking perfect didn’t work in their favor either.

In the era of Tinder and other matching applications; Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat, only to name a few social media ones, it is far more important to look happy, accomplished or stylish than to actually be happy. We have the perfect life displayed on our accounts, but how much of that is real and how much is just a “perfect” capture?

Clearly, we don’t want to show the world how our hair looks on a bad day or that we are suffering from a bad breakup, but the obsession with perfection made us distant and colder. It is as if we want to display only a side of ourselves, the pretty one, but we are afraid to let people in and see us for what we truly are, which is far from the perfection we present on social media.

Perhaps it is only my personal opinion, but to be fully accomplished means to have that special someone by your side, to share all the beautiful moments with him/her, to cheer up when you see their face and to want to make them happy. Most of these feelings will never be caught on camera and we should never even try to catch them, these should never leave the privacy of our houses/beds.

Many relationships these days end when they should have just begun, either because we formed an opinion of the other person when we browse their online profiles and that is far from the offline reality or because we don’t want to settle for something less than extraordinary when it comes to love. We want the picture-perfect couple idea, we want to be the true power couple that everyone says they are so beautiful and perfect together, but we forget that the idea of the power couple is not based on looks but on having each other back and helping each other grow.

Looks aren’t everything and vanity should never have priority over happiness, it is OK not to be perfect, nor to have the ideal house/car/boyfriend. What is not OK is to be unhappy and alone, because you set impossible to accomplish standards.

Let’s Talk About Ex’s Baby, Let’s Talk About You and Me

If you are over 16 and have a boyfriend over 16 (preferably), then most likely you both have some skeletons in your closet a.k.a exes. But what is it about our past that keeps us so wired to it? And why do we see it as such a threat to the future?

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It is hard to imagine your loved one with somebody else, to know that all the words and kisses that you are receiving now, were offered to someone other than yourself with the same intensity. We all want our story to be epic and the idea that this had already happened with someone from the past is not exactly thrilling. But this is not what keeps most of us up at night, but the possibility of the feelings that might still be there, waiting for them to be rebirthed.

To better understand the phenomenon, you must first think about your ex. Although you are no longer in love with him/her, there is some sort of feeling left there, clearly, there were at least a couple of good things that happened between you two, intimacy, friendship, etc. Now they are with someone else and odds are that you are not finding that new person your best friend. Even in this situation, if you are really over them and you are committed to your current partner, then you have no intention of going back. So the real question is whether you are both really in this together 100%.

Sometimes, unintentionally we compare ourselves with our exes new girlfriends just as we compare ourselves with the ex of our current partner. But what is actually making us worry?

If for our past boyfriends/girlfriends, we like to think we were the best thing that ever happened to them and selfishly we wouldn’t want to be forgotten. With our current partners, the situation is very different. We want to know that there are no feelings left between them and the partners from their past. We want to be sure we are the upgrade and be 100% sure they are not even thinking about going back to them. Unfortunately, there is no guarantee for any of these but the trust we should have in our SO.

Jealousy is a normal and human feeling as long as it is kept in boundaries and it is not developing into an obsession. In the end, the “problem” that we have with the exes is in between the partners. If there are doubts between the two,  then it will be enough space for an external person to enter, new or old.

Whenever you are in doubt, remember that they are not in the present for a reason and that the best person for you and your loved one is clearly the one from the current day. Let go of the fears, competition, and jealousy. Learn to enjoy the current moment, the rest is history!

 

The “Let’s stay friends!” myth

Being close friends with an ex is somehow a myth to me and I’ve been trying to find out for a while if there is such thing as true friendship after a failed relationship. So let’s bring in the 2 sides: the rejected one and the rejecting one to find out what is in for the two of them and if there is, in fact, honest and open when they say there is nothing more to this.

 

 

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Clearly at least one of the partners entered the relation hoping there will be something different to it, maybe the other person will turn out to be their SO, or they just wanted sex with no obligations, maybe even wanted nothing to begin with. At this particular point, there were two sides, one partner wanted more and the other not so much. After a few failed attempts they decide they will split up, but still, remain friends. Here is the magnificent trap that gets more and more people, the illusion that you get to benefit from this failed partnership.

Let’s bring into the stage our first “champion” the rejected one! For this particular person, the whole episode is both painful and shameful. You get to find someone that you like, that seems to like you back since you were in a form of relationship, but now he is not into you anymore. They desire something else, more particularly someone else. Anyone who has suffered from rejection knows the magnitude of this feeling and is familiar with that voice that tells you that “you were not enough”. Even if we can understand and relate to the feeling of not being compatible with someone else, we also feel mistreated and hurt. We are now in a state of vulnerability where we would want to force the other person to change his/her mind. So we take the deal, we agree to be just friends, knowing that we would get a part of the relationship, but also secretly hoping that maybe they will come back around.

So here we are, rejected and hurt, yet friends with the one that did this to us. We are confining into the one that turned us down, but we somehow feel that we made an awesome deal. We can now call them to just talk, we can go to lunch or dinner with them, we haven’t completely lost our partner and we are not yet alone. But what did we really gain? Is this a true friendship or is it just ghosting and lingering around our punisher?

Now, let’s bring “champion” number two, the rejecting one! We entered into a new relationship thinking this might be a fit person for us. After a few dates, or even after a few years of relationship, we realize that we don’t actually want to be with this one. We want something else, we dream about someone else, or we just want the space. Yet we feel bad for leading them on, we are not a bad person, we just want something else. One of you proposes the deal of being just friends and now that you get to think about it, it is not a bad idea, you like spending time with them, just not in a romantic way. So here we are, discussing your day to day problems with someone that knows you and clearly has your best interest at heart.

There we are again, happy that we haven’t lost a friend but also free of commitment for that other person, who surely has moved on, since they are ok with you seeing and talking about other people. You have now put your past together for aside and you are now all happy. But is the other person really over it? And are you fully committed to the new person from your life? Or are you getting a full relationship from 2 sides?

Love is a powerful feeling! You cannot love someone just a little, you can only like them a little. The same goes for rejection especially when it is related to love. Although it seems that you can leave your partner because of all the small things he/she is doing, you are not breaking up because of the toilet seat that was left up, you are just not compatible anymore, you both want something else. Keeping an only boyfriend or girlfriend as a friend is just an excuse for you to feel safe, you can always come back to this side of your relationship, unfortunately, this side carries with it the guilt of breaking up with someone or the shame of not being enough for the other person. Also having this person around can make it harder for a new potential partner to come around since he or she would have to compete for your friendship.

Indeed there is one particular scenario where 2 exes can be friends. When there were no feelings involved! If their “relationship” was purely sexual with 0 feelings involved they will get along perfectly and in a healthy manner was friends, because actually, they were never more than that.

As for the rest of us, the ones that had some sort of feelings for our ex-partner, the best way to deal with this is to let them go. Pass on the offer of being just friends and burry the relationship. Accepting to be just friends with a loved one is as if your mom would tell you that your cat has died, but you can still keep it if you want. Let the exes be exactly where they belong, in your past!

Life’s To Easy For You? Upgrade It By Dating @work!

Ever wondered what could you do to make your single life more miserable? Didn’t find it’s hard enough to be turned down by random people and wanted a daily reminder of a rejection? Or did you want to see your ex 9 hours a day? The answer to your prayers is here: date a colleague from work (or school – that will also do it).

Of course, he is cute and is making you laugh, especially in the morning when you are drinking your “so needed” coffee. Monday is making him blossom and all you want to hear from him are the magic words: “Will you go out with me?”. But is this worth the trouble?

A while ago I heard a myth that said the relationships that start between colleagues have more than 50% chances of ending in marriage. Well, I do not know who was the a*shole that said that, but I would really want to kick him, hard! I am not sure if he (I am 100% sure that is a he) was even in our time, but what I can tell you is that relationships that start between coworkers do not have higher chances. I believe the odds are kind-of the same as making a relation from Tinder or from a pickup bar work, but with a small difference: THE COMPLICATIONS.

There is an old saying “Don’t shit where you eat” and it cannot have a better appliance than in the matter of dating at work. Below you can find my 5 reasons why this is such a bad idea:

  • All eyes are on you

There is nothing juicier than gossip, and what better subject than the new romances from the office? Although you might think none is noticing, I can assure you that they do. The feminine intuition is working at full capacity and chances are, you are not the only one with the eyes on the prize. The loser will be the engine that runs the gossip machine and the others will also join for the entertainment.

  • It’s no longer your relation but your office’s relation

If you went out with him, everyone will assume it is on for the two of you. The jokes about you getting married, or tips about how awesome he is. You will see the smile on their faces as they pass you.

  • If it can go wrong, most likely it will

Murphy was definitely a wise man and the law from above will come to bite you on the behind when you are less expecting. Having to see your crush all the time (work & home) can bring a lot of pressure on the relationship, especially at the beginning so you might like to keep your happiness (and possibly later your sadness) to yourself. If you are getting into this, you must be 110% sure you are ready to settle down with this person.

  • It will affect your credibility

The fact that you mix work and pleasure will affect the way you are seen in the office. If you are dating someone that is higher than you in rank, you are seen as a gold digger, if that person is below you, then you are taking advantage of your position. If either of you is in a relationship, then you are both cheaters and so on. Even if you are on the same level and single, there will be a debate about who is better than who and if you two should be together.

  • If things go wrong, they will go all the way

Chances are that it might not work out for the two of you, and if that is the case, there will be a lot of drama to follow. First, you would see the pity in everyone’s eyes and they will not stop at only looking at you, they will want to comfort you with lots of remarks. You will also get to see him EVERY day and if you are on the same team, you would need to be professional about this (and let’s face it when PMS takes over its hard to be professional with guys that you didn’t sack, not to mention the other kind). And last but not least, you will get to see his new date and hear about his new adventure from all of your caring colleagues.

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Yes, we all heard of the happy end stories with people who met at work and now are living their happily ever after but don’t forget the other type of stories, the ones you most likely laugh when it happened in your office. So my advice to you would be to stay clear of dating at work, the possible complications are not worth the trouble. But if you don’t want to take my word on it, go find out on your own about the benefits this can bring you!

 

 

Your Birthday Is Much More Than Just A Number

With my birthday around the corner, I heard so many people asking me if I am nervous about aging another year. With all sincerity my answer is always: No and here are my reasons why.

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  • I am very proud of where I am today!

It took me 27 years to get here and I can proudly say that this is indeed my best version. I make it my quest to be even better next year and so on. My competition is with myself and I intend to win.

  • My age doesn’t define who I am!

I refuse to believe that I fit into a box just because of my age. Maybe I am your average 27 years old, but for me, I am the star of the show. If I receive a label from someone I don’t make it my problem, what people are thinking of is their problem.

  • I love my birthday for the best wishes and presents that I receive from my friends.

Each year I receive a lot of messages from my friends, family and colleagues, even ex-colleagues. Those are the people for whom I made a difference, it’s nice to know I still matter to them. Of course, I also love the presents that I am receiving (who doesn’t !?!).

  • Adulthood is hard enough without adding the “age” related anxiety.

I am an anxious person and I get to worry about a lot of things, I just refuse to let age be another one. Nothing can be taken for granted and I want to make the best of what I get.

Enjoy your anniversary with the nice things it brings to you, choose to see the full part of the glass and remember that the quality beverages are always poured to fill up to half of it.