The “Let’s stay friends!” myth

Being close friends with an ex is somehow a myth to me and I’ve been trying to find out for a while if there is such thing as true friendship after a failed relationship. So let’s bring in the 2 sides: the rejected one and the rejecting one to find out what is in for the two of them and if there is, in fact, honest and open when they say there is nothing more to this.

 

 

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Clearly at least one of the partners entered the relation hoping there will be something different to it, maybe the other person will turn out to be their SO, or they just wanted sex with no obligations, maybe even wanted nothing to begin with. At this particular point, there were two sides, one partner wanted more and the other not so much. After a few failed attempts they decide they will split up, but still, remain friends. Here is the magnificent trap that gets more and more people, the illusion that you get to benefit from this failed partnership.

Let’s bring into the stage our first “champion” the rejected one! For this particular person, the whole episode is both painful and shameful. You get to find someone that you like, that seems to like you back since you were in a form of relationship, but now he is not into you anymore. They desire something else, more particularly someone else. Anyone who has suffered from rejection knows the magnitude of this feeling and is familiar with that voice that tells you that “you were not enough”. Even if we can understand and relate to the feeling of not being compatible with someone else, we also feel mistreated and hurt. We are now in a state of vulnerability where we would want to force the other person to change his/her mind. So we take the deal, we agree to be just friends, knowing that we would get a part of the relationship, but also secretly hoping that maybe they will come back around.

So here we are, rejected and hurt, yet friends with the one that did this to us. We are confining into the one that turned us down, but we somehow feel that we made an awesome deal. We can now call them to just talk, we can go to lunch or dinner with them, we haven’t completely lost our partner and we are not yet alone. But what did we really gain? Is this a true friendship or is it just ghosting and lingering around our punisher?

Now, let’s bring “champion” number two, the rejecting one! We entered into a new relationship thinking this might be a fit person for us. After a few dates, or even after a few years of relationship, we realize that we don’t actually want to be with this one. We want something else, we dream about someone else, or we just want the space. Yet we feel bad for leading them on, we are not a bad person, we just want something else. One of you proposes the deal of being just friends and now that you get to think about it, it is not a bad idea, you like spending time with them, just not in a romantic way. So here we are, discussing your day to day problems with someone that knows you and clearly has your best interest at heart.

There we are again, happy that we haven’t lost a friend but also free of commitment for that other person, who surely has moved on, since they are ok with you seeing and talking about other people. You have now put your past together for aside and you are now all happy. But is the other person really over it? And are you fully committed to the new person from your life? Or are you getting a full relationship from 2 sides?

Love is a powerful feeling! You cannot love someone just a little, you can only like them a little. The same goes for rejection especially when it is related to love. Although it seems that you can leave your partner because of all the small things he/she is doing, you are not breaking up because of the toilet seat that was left up, you are just not compatible anymore, you both want something else. Keeping an only boyfriend or girlfriend as a friend is just an excuse for you to feel safe, you can always come back to this side of your relationship, unfortunately, this side carries with it the guilt of breaking up with someone or the shame of not being enough for the other person. Also having this person around can make it harder for a new potential partner to come around since he or she would have to compete for your friendship.

Indeed there is one particular scenario where 2 exes can be friends. When there were no feelings involved! If their “relationship” was purely sexual with 0 feelings involved they will get along perfectly and in a healthy manner was friends, because actually, they were never more than that.

As for the rest of us, the ones that had some sort of feelings for our ex-partner, the best way to deal with this is to let them go. Pass on the offer of being just friends and burry the relationship. Accepting to be just friends with a loved one is as if your mom would tell you that your cat has died, but you can still keep it if you want. Let the exes be exactly where they belong, in your past!

Surviving Guide For Dating on Tinder

Using matching apps for dating is now a normal thing and if you didn’t hear about the new Tinder mania then you are definitely living in the wrong era. Here are a few things you have to expect.

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So you made the big step and installed it on your phone, probably you looked at it for a while before opening it and creating a profile. Wisely chosen a few photos of yourself and wrote a really “deep” short bio. You are now ready for scooping around!

I knew about Tinder for a few years before actually using it, since I was suspicious about online dating. I was a lousy picker of man even when I could see them face to face, so I was definitely not ready to judge men only by looking at a picture. One day a friend of mine told me she created a profile because she suspected her boyfriend was cheating through the app so she searched for him (and found him). After breaking up, she wanted the distraction so she went on a couple of dates, furthermore, she told me I should give it a try since I was single for a while and I could use some dating experience.

Now here I was, in the same spot as you’ve probably been, trying to figure out how is this app working. At first, I declined all the guys, because I thought I can “save them for later”, but this had an easy fix: deleted the profile and created it again. Following are a few things you need to be aware of if you are using Tinder:

Be extra careful with the super like functionality.

One day, I was casually swiping left right after a major app update, when I accidentally super liked a really weird gangsta guy’s pic! The panic stroke me and, of course, there is no way that I could take it back. When he “accepted” me, I immediately blocked him and I’m still praying that I will never see him on the streets. You might want to be careful with that feature!

Nothing is what it seems.

We are all advertising our best version, so don’t expect your Tinder date to be as gorgeous as the pictures from his profile. You need to be open-minded about this and see your date as the MC Donald’s burger, it doesn’t look like the pictures but it still might be good.

One of my dates was a guy, who was so short that he would stare at my breasts when facing me, of course in the pictures he looked tall so I went wearing heels. Still we had fun and in the end, I’ve made a new friend.

D*ck pics are coming your way. 

Many people use this for casual sex and will not be shy about it, make sure you don’t accept them on your other social media channels before being 100% sure that you are ok with them (Tinder chat doesn’t allow pictures so you are safe there).

One morning while I was at work preparing my coffee, I heard my phone ring. Nothing unusual since I was talking with this really cute guy from Tinder, that I liked enough to add on Facebook.  I was with the group of coworkers with whom I usually meet in the mornings. Here I am with my girls talking to me, my coffee in one hand and phone in the other when all of a sudden: TADAM!!! D*ck pics, more of them, different angles and, of course, the comment that he was thinking of me that morning. From the shock, I spilled the coffee on my lovely white pants and my face was changing more colors than Barcelona’s Magic Fountain. All the girls were asking me what did I see to react like that and wanted to see as well( hell NO). As you could have probably guessed I did not appreciate the pictures, especially before coffee and I blocked the guy. To avoid this type of embarrassment, keep the conversation on Tinder until at least you had the first date.

Getting better with practice.

After a few dates, I was able to tell apart some different types of guys and learned to avoid the casual sex ones, the cheating on my spouse/girlfriend guy and so on. Another thing I’ve learned was that even the happiest relationship can be fake, I saw a lot of my happily married with kids acquaintances there. At first, you will feel the urge to tell about the infidelities, but unless it is a very close friend of yours, I suggest you let it go and don’t make it your business.

Having fun & making friends.

Half a year after using Tinder I started to enjoy going on random dates with random guys. Not making a fuss when things didn’t work out and, the best of all, making friends with my dates. For a single person, I think it was beneficial to go out and experience, I’ve learned a lot about myself in that period and it gained me a lot of confidence.

Using Tinder to date is not a bad or immoral thing to do, let go of your prejudices and learn to enjoy the company of people you don’t know. You will get to practice small talk a lot and learn how to advertise your qualities to the fullest. Don’t forget about your safety, so inform a friend that you are out and if things go badly tell her to call you to tell you that your cat is sick (I used that one and it worked :-p ). Enjoy!

 

 

10 Reasons I Will Never Settle For a Corporate Guy

When it comes to dating I made a lot of mistakes but one that I will never repeat is to date a corporate guy. I know that they came with the stability of a 9 to 5 job and usually make a pretty decent income, but I for me they just won’t do anymore.

When I got my first job in a corporation I started to fall for my co-workers. Back then I was in a very unhappy relationship, so the perspective of a new guy was extremely tempting. 3 and a half years, after 3 very unfortunate “affairs” I was already avoiding going to the kitchen due to one of my exes and the 4th flour was prohibited due to another. 5 years later, a different city and a new corporation I made up a list of why I will never settle for a corporate guy.

1. The “politically correct” shit

In all the corporations that I’ve been, there is a strong culture of training people to act/ talk/think/argue in a politically correct way. I am a choleric type of person and when I see a man losing his temper but keeping his smile and giving you the nice response is just making me want to puke. I could translate this into being a fake b*tch and a man with this behavior is just a huge turnoff for me. Please take note that the higher his position is in the hierarchy the more visible that behavior is.

2.  The gossiping aka “the castration” of a man

When it comes to gossiping, men are way worse than women. They are mean, judgemental and have an eye for details. If you ever saw man gossiping then you know what I am talking about.

In the office there isn’t much entertainment, so what the others are doing / wearing/dating becomes a common subject. Not only that you have to deal with the bored women from the office, but you are also now getting “evaluated” by your male colleagues. If this is somehow accepted for teenage girls, but for a grown-up man (most likely in his 30is) it is just sickening. I see them in packs in the kitchen talking about the size of the secretary ass, or the fact that Miss S. lost or gained weight, the way M.’s hair is looking today or even the fact that T’s outfit is so old-fashioned. And yes, even the sweet or dork-is IT guy has an opinion about stuff like that.

3.  The “temperature” drama

The most common drama from the office is the TEMPERATURE. You would think that adults can find a way to work with a simple thing as this, especially during summer, but no. It is a fact that women have a lower body temperature (that is the reason you like to cuddle in his warm arms) and this you will think is the reason for the arguments, once again WRONG. The reason for the arguments is that some men are more sensitive than others when it comes to VENTILATION.

In the 5 years that I am celebrating this year of working in a company with more than 100 employees, I have seen some interesting complaints due to this issue. I got to see Mr. “I am in the heat season” argue with the Mr. “You should only touch me with a feather” and trust me is not that entertaining. Adult men, arguing like kids for something that can be fixed so easily (dress according to the temperature, use more layers, set the AC at a fixed value, set the ventilation to the minimum).

To this first world problem, we can also add the “sandwich thief”, the dirty sink or toilet, the food that is forgotten in the fridge until it comes to life, etc.

4. The team building

Once a year the company takes its employees on the most expected event: the team building. 2 days of drinking and hitting on basically anyone that is willing to go to bed with you. It is during those 2 days that you understand how some of the people got their job or raise. You understand why the secretary can be a bitch to you without anyone firing her, or why do so many kids get born in spring.

Apart from the big mating game, there is something way more disturbing. It is the perfect time to see the people who just love to kiss some ass, maybe that can get them a better job. So you get to see the pretty decent man that you actually enjoy working with, doing shots with the big boss and trying to look good.

5. The innocent flirting

When you stay 8 or more hours a day in the same space with the same people it is due to happen. Even if you are in a happy relationship you still get that warm feeling when the cute new guy talks to you or when the sexy boss looks you in the eye. It is up to you whether you take this to a higher level or not.

For the man in the office, there is something more to this, it is their reputation at stake so they want to be the alpha man and flirt with any woman that can give them the attention they are craving for. The innocent flirting turns into a competition where the best man will win. Of course, it is useless if none sees it, so the flirting is far from discrete or private. Most of the “alpha” man are married, probably with kids and somehow this is making them even more susceptible to this type of behavior.

6. The smart in a stupid way

I am working in an IT firm so I could say that my colleagues are definitely ranged as intelligent. But when it comes to dating I could probably say that they are the definition of “smart in a stupid way”. The behavior that annoys me the most is when he is only talking and being nice to you in private or outside the company, during the working hours he is pretty much running from you. He is hardly saying hello in the morning or talking to you when he is with his “squad”.

7. The car

Having an ordinary job, makes the man try to stand up from the crowd with at least one thing: THE CAR, his baby, his precious. For my colleagues, the goal is to have one of the following brands: BMW, Audi or Mercedes or, of course, anything that is above these brands. If you are driving anything under these, you are not hanging with the cool kids.

They meet and talk about why is their car the best, and if they have the same brand, then the subject is why a model better than another. Competition is extremely fierce so being a woman you don’t get to have an opinion. So what if you have a car, yours is just a toy, maybe you have the brand new model, still doesn’t matter because it is not like you know how to drive it.

Apart from being cut from the car talk, there is your position in the hierarchy of his life. For some man, you will always be less than his precious. Shania Twain said in “That don’t impress me much”: “You’re one of those guys who likes to shine his machine /You make me take off my shoes before you let me get in” and I cannot agree with her more.

8. The drinking night

Most of the people (redundant of the sex) have a drinking night, as we get older we get to be classier: start drinking quality wine, expensive cocktails and we tend to leave behind the old cheap places and trade them with nice ones, maybe a fancy restaurant or a cute pub. But there are always the corporate guys that meet after work for a drinking night. They go to that cheap bar where they still serve draft beer and drink until they are falling asleep on the counter. You can easily identify them by looking at the loud group that is making rude jokes. Even the boss sometimes joins because he likes to see that his team is getting on well, but usually, he is staying for a single beer and comes when the others are already wasted so that he can get them to talk.

9. The gym

Here I am not talking about having a healthy way of life and working out in order to keep yourself in shape. No, here I am talking about the guy that was either fat in the past and now he managed to lose weight or the guy that is constantly struggling with a weight problem. So you will ask yourself, what is my problem with them? Well, it is not the fact that they are going to the gym, it is the fact that he’s telling you that you need to go too, that you should eat less, or that you will get fat if you continue eating “that” (chocolate, your meal etc.).

If there is something that can get me mad in a second, then that is definitely when a man is telling me how should I live my life. I can understand ones struggle with weight, but you shouldn’t say shit like that to my face during lunch or even worst during a date.

10. The midlife crisis

I believe we are affected by aging. It is hard to see our parents age, our lives change, and wrinkles appear, but that is all part of human life. Our experiences are carved on our bodies and there is nothing wrong with that, every part of life comes with its ups and downs.

I cannot say why the midlife crisis is affecting more the corporate guys, but this is a known fact. You can spot the troubled one by looking at the guy that bought at the Christmas party the girl half his age, dressed as a hooker and is bragging about the oral that she has just given him (wtf man!). Or the guy that purchased the red second-hand convertible and, of course, now brag’s about how many women he now dates. The guy that just left his family to travel the world, the one that is always cheating on his wife/girlfriend.

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Of course, not all corporate guys are that bad, nor do all the above characteristics can be found merged in a single guy. I learned the hard way that you should not shit where you eat and definitely I want to save myself from the drama of dating a “troubled” corporate guy.